


Shaun Hastings Will Kill Everyone--Even the Banana

by sadlygrove



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Crack, M/M, WTF, the bleeding effect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-23
Updated: 2010-03-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlygrove/pseuds/sadlygrove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shaun Hastings is sick of this Bleeding Effect crap, and he is not going to take it anymore. At least, he'll take Lucy and Rebbecca down with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shaun Hastings Will Kill Everyone--Even the Banana

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://ayadragonsheart.livejournal.com/profile)[**ayadragonsheart**](http://ayadragonsheart.livejournal.com/) 's 'banana' prompt. Which I didn't even come close to filling orz

"That is fucking IT! I am _not_ dealing with this shite any longer!"

Rebbecca's hand paused, her spoon inches from her mouth and dripping Captain Crunch into the bowl below. "The hell?"

Unphased, Lucy turned to the next page of her newspaper, taking a delicate sip of coffee--one cream, two sugars. "I'm sure it's nothing."

Somewhere down the hall from the kitchen, there was a crash and a bang.

"...that doesn't sound like 'nothing'."

"Shaun's probably just found Desmond playing Tetris on his computer again," Lucy muttered. For some reason, she was staring at the unemployment section of the paper, she noticed, and hastily turned the page yet again. "Let's just stay in the kitchen for a little while, okay?"

But the kitchen was far from the impregnable fortress Lucy desired it to be, for Shaun stalked in a moment later. Rebbecca swore she could make out the rainclouds and lightning storms above his head. Granted, he usually had those, so these were more like tornadoes and hurricanes. "The hell's gotten into you, Shaun?"

"I," he said, taking a deep, steadying breath, "refuse to deal with this alone any longer."

"With what? The Tetris? Look, if Desmond beat my high score, I'd be pissed too, but once you beat the game there's only a rocket ship--"

"That is completely not what I am referring to. And he did _not_ beat my score," Shaun said, pointedly glaring at Lucy who pointedly stared at the newspaper with a blank expression. "I am sick and tired of dealing with Desmond's flights of fancy all by myself; as we are a _team_ ," he said with just a modicum (read: fuckton) of sarcasm, "we should all share the burden of dealing with him when he's in Renaissance Faire mode."

Rebbecca stared. "What the fucking _fuck_ are you even talking about?"

"Oh, so you didn't tell her, Lucy," Shaun sneered.

"You expressly told me not to," she murmured, a smile just tugging at the corner of her lips. "Something about your pride and ego and all that."

"Tell me what? Swear to god, if you two are planning a party or something and I didn't get an invite--"

"A party? That sounds like a splendid idea, Rosa!"

Who the hell's voice was that? Did she leave NPR blasting on iTunes or something? Rebbecca glanced over her shoulder. But the voice had sounded an awful lot like--"Desmond? What's with the fake accent?"

Across the able, Lucy was suddenly choking on her coffee.

"Oh good, splendid!" Shaun turned to the refrigerator, intent on breakfast. "The guest of honor has arrived!"

"Paola, are you alright?" Quickly striding over to Lucy, Desmond pat her back as she regained her breath. "And here I thought you were accustomed to swallowing," he said with a wry grin.

Rebbecca felt her jaw hit the floor.

"Thank you," Lucy muttered, face red as she pushed the rest of her coffee away.

"What. The. Hell." Rebbecca looked between Shaun's nasty grin, Lucy's grimace and Desmond's innocent smile that was anything but. "What is this, I don't even--"

"Now, Paola, about those vials of poison you gave me last week--"

With an air of triumph rippling off him in waves, Shaun plopped down in the chair beside Rebbecca. "So Lucy really didn't tell you about this side effect of the Bleeding Effect of Doom and Bullshit?"

"What, is this the side effect where Des goes fucking nuttier than the peanut in the top-hat?"

Shaun cocked his head to the side.

"You know, Planter's nut---never fucking mind, what's going on?"

"He thinks he's Ezio," Shaun snorted, selecting a banana from the bowl of fruit he'd procured. "It usually lasts only a few hours and Desmond hardly recalls it later."

"How long has this been going on!?"

"A few months; I'm surprised you didn't notice," he grumbled, peeling the fruit and taking a small bite. "Lucy told me we should just go with it, lest we scramble Desmond's itty bitty brain further. It's been bloody annoying."

"So he thinks that Lucy is Paola--" Rebbecca glanced at the mortified woman across the table playing along with Desmond, pretending to be an Italian sex goddess apparently; she should smile more, in that case, "and I'm... Rosa?"

"Sounds like it," Shaun muttered around the banana.

"I'm flattered he thinks my tits are that big."

"Don't be, they're not."

"Alright, asshole, and just who does Desmond think you are?"

It was a bad day for breathing, as Shaun didn't answer and instead started to choke around his banana.

"Leonardo," came the heavily accented voice. "Are you alright?"

Rebbecca's jaw hit the floor for the second time that day. "He thinks you're Leonardo!? But you're such an asshole, you're nothing like--"

With a liquid grace, Desmond was suddenly between them, rubbing soothing circles across Shaun's back. " _Caro mio_ ," he murmured with a sly smile that reminded Rebbecca of ones she'd seen in cheesy porn flicks, "I never thought such a small thing would take _your_ lovely throat by surprise."

The banana fell to the floor, along with Rebbecca's jaw--again. "Oh. My. God."

"I will kill everyone in this room one day, I swear to God," Shaun muttered, eyes taking a far-off, dangerous gleam. "Even the banana."

Rebbecca scooted her chair away.

"Now, Rosa, if you are done flirting with Leonardo," Desmond said with a laugh, "we shall be on our way."

"Ew, I was so not flirt--"

"Get your hands off me you over-sized bag of dicks!"

Rebbecca watched the horror sweep over Shaun's face as he was lifted from his chair and slung across Desmond's shoulders--goddamn had Desmond's physical training been paying off, Rebbecca thought with an appraising sweep of her eyes. It would almost have been romantic--like a groom sweeping his bride off her feet--if it weren't for the glare Shaun gave Rebbecca that told her he _knew_ she was thinking just that and he would make her life hell the next chance he got.

"Paola, my dear, you have rooms free now, yes?"

"Oh my God." Realization smacked Rebbecca right between her eyes. "Please, please do not go anywhere near my room."

"Lucy! You cannot possibly condone--"

"I shall pay you handsomely for your troubles, Paola," Desmond said with a wink.

Lucy glanced between Desmond and Shaun. "...yes. Down the hall, to the left."

"LUCY! You--! I swear to god--!"

"Grazie," Desmond said, reaching into his pocket and setting a nickle and a bottle cap on the table. "A few Venetian Ducats for your trouble."

Lucy poked the bottle cap. "Thank... you."

"GOD DAMN YOU ALL!"

Desmond pat Shaun fondly, heading out of the kitchen as the man beat his back with his fists. "Ciao!"

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, LUCY! DEAD TO ME!"

The sound of the door down the hall slamming seemed to echo in the cabin.

Rebbecca pushed her bowl of soggy Captain Crunch away, appetite suddenly gone. "Was that really a good idea? I mean, I know it's been ages since Shaun's gotten laid, but--"

"They'll be fine."

"What makes you so sure?"

Lucy smiled at her before pouring herself some fresh coffee. "Historically, Leonardo usually tops."

Under the table, Rebbecca's foot found the banana and kicked it as far away from her as she could get it.

  



End file.
